If Hollywood writers knew us...

For one, there would be no shortage of work for the so called "Frat Pack" Composed of Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, the Wilson Brothers, etc.

One of our Friends loves to go on Tirades. So, when I woke up this morning and saw an e-mail entitled, "Tirade #1 of the week", I felt much like I used to when I was 10 and "Husky" and the brown sugar pop tarts came out of the toaster. I knew I was in for something amazing.

With that, I give you the Tirade of the Day:

Friend One: Given new evidence supporting my theory that all women north of 17 are whores, I stand by my current stance of abstinence. Until I see verified blood tests that conclude no disease and even then...that report is only good for one night's admission. Unless you are a hooker in Vegas; They get tested weekly. I would feel reasonably comfortable there. Or, better yet, when I start making real money hire a high end escort service one that makes sure all the clients and girls are clean I will then solicite the hottest one to bare me a son and upon conclusion of that contract my use for her will be over and I will continue to utilize the service while having produced an heir.

Friend Two: I can't believe you've thought this through.

Friend One: Yes you can. I don't even take a dump with out having thought out a plan, this is why I dont hook up...ever. I think it all the way through. I over think EVERYTHING!! Its like when I meet a chick ok...and then I get to thinking about how hooking up will go:

First, the Physical Analysis:
Does she have cankles?
Does she have nice looking boobs?
Does she look like she is going to have huge nipples?

Then comes the mental:
Can she point to DC on a map?
If I drop 4 syllable words, will she be lost?
Would I be embarrassed if any of my grandparents ever met her?

If the answer to any of the previous round of internal questions is yes, then shes out.

Then comes the personality questions:
Is she going to be a dead fish in the sack?
Is she a democrat?
Is she funny?
Does she like Will Farrell?

If the answer to any of these sorts of questions is not to my liking, she is disqualified

I once broke up with a chick I have been told is a solid 8.5 because her nose used to run and she had cankles and she was a democrat, this is how fucked up I am.

And here is the best round of internal debate I have: The Social Aspect
What does she drink? If it is whiskey, I know we are doomed and she is out of the question.
Is it martinis?
Am I going to have to keep this bitch on a leash? If so...she is out, because I am the toddler in the relationship; We cant have two. Having two would be like having the kids run the day care.

Oh best part:
Morning after examination of housing, bathroom, and bedroom
Does she scrapbook?
Is her bathroom a disaster zone?
Does she leave the cap off the toothpaste?

Friend Two: Scrap Book!?

Friend One: Yes...scrapbook/collage shit. You know...putting together a picture frame of lame pictures of them and their friends with glitter and shit all over it? Drives me nuts. Anyway:
Is her movie/cd collection gay?
These are all matters of immediate disqualification. It is like a veto. This is why I cant date in a nutshell.

Other physical turnoffs include:
Red hair, unkept vaginal region, freckles, hairy nipples, large nipples, small teeth, large teeth,gaps in teeth.

Now....on a scale of 1-10, ten being commitable insane, 1 being average joe normal, where do I lay on that scale?

Friend Two: 7.354

I later talked to Friend Two about the rant and he mentioned that there should be a movie made about Friend One. I told him it already had, it was called 40 Year Old Virgin.